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Sometimes in life, do you ever stop and wonder what you're doing? And what might that thought sound like, if you let it?

The other day I was doing something that I really didn't enjoy or even need to do, when an overwhelming question arose from my gut: "What the f*** am I doing?!"

Now, please pardon my French  swearing is really not much part of my language  but there is just no other way to put it. I'm sure the friend who proof-reads my blogs is going to want to delete it, but it has to stay. [Editor's note: asterisks's are mine!] It's just that the thought was definitely not: "Heck, something isn't quite right here. . ." Honestly, it was far more visceral than that.

The fact is, I edit myself too much. That's part of the tension which rips me apart sometimes: living my middle class, neatly-edited life in the midst of the unedited pain and reality of my friends at Mosaic. The raw trauma of some lives is astounding. Residential school survivors shouldering their pasts, people living in the torment of mental illness, people living in alone-ness, loneliness and destructive addictions (as opposed to my own less destructive ones, though just as real).

There is no censoring of their reality. So why edit mine? I feel it's time to step up and into honesty, instead of getting caught up in pettiness and fear. I believe that becoming more present in our shared reality is key to transformation. What would it mean if, as a result of that unedited presence, I had unedited compassion and love for these friends (and for myself)?

Just to clarify, these thoughts have another conversation as context. That conversation is about how we are called to be fully ourselves, weak and limited. This involves rejecting the expectations we put on ourselves to help and change everybody else. When it really comes down to it, we are powerless, God is the mighty one. We are called to love him and love others as ourselves  pretty straightforward actually! So I try not to take myself (or Mosaic, for that matter) too seriously.  

So, which is it? Face your reality, or don't take yourself too seriously? I think both. And I think I will let that tension rip me up for awhile, a nice change from that of an over-edited life.


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